Dengarkan (atau Bacalah?)

Well, wa males bikin poem, neh

and entah kenapa wa jadi sensitif sekarang-sekarang ini

napa?

tentunya bukan karena ALSA ato ulangan Kemo, TIK, Sosio and remed Mate (yup, udah pasti dah wa remed) minggu depan

tapi gara-gara shocking truth yang bisa u liat semua di 2 notes terakhir wa (they’re contradicting each other because one is not mine, while one is mine)

 

aduh, pokoknya entah kenapa wa jadi sensitif and wa jadi dikit – ehm – subyektif dalam arti wa menganggap semuanya menjurus ke wa.

 

oleh karena itulah begitu wa baca ‘something‘, wa langsung kayak ketampar

wa heran

heran banget

koq bisa, ya, ada orang kayak dia?

wa lebih heran lagi kalo sekarang dia masih single

apakah kaga ada cowo yang nyadar kalo dia, tuh, charming banget? (jawabannya: kaga, soalnya kaga ada princess charming, adanya prince charming << garing)

 

apakah yang ngebikin wa bilang dia charming?

well, pertama, liat aja kepribadiannya

terus inteleknya

terus topengnya

terakhir penampilannya

semuanya perfekt!

 

kalo masih lom ngerti, biar wa jabarin, ya?

kepribadiannya secure, understanding, tapi kalo udah ngotot… nc

inteleknya kaga usah ditanya, dah

topengnya – salah satu yang paling amazing dari dia – beneran topeng. full-face. bahkan mata juga ketutupan. keren banget, kan?

penampilannya juga kaga usah ditanya. Proporsional, sedeng, atletis (seenggaknya kaga penyakitan and kaga terlalu lame di olahraga), etc, etc.

makanya, heran banget wa ampe sekarang dia masih single

 

wedew

 

oleh karena itulah

wa kaga bisa ikhlas

wa tau ikhlas itu indah

tapi wa juga tau kalo dia juga tau

kalo misalnya wa nge-ikhlasin ini

wa bisa mati suri (konotatif)

 

sekali lagi wa ingatkan:

wa jadi menjuruskan semuaya ke wa akhir-akhir ini, jadinya wa minta maaf kalo ternyata pesannya bukan buat wa, tapi buat orang lain. yang pasti, kalo pesannya ditujukan buat wa, maka itulah jawaban wa.

 

wa juga penasaran

karena dia selalu sebuah misteri buat wa

apalagi pas wa nyadar kalo wa udah keracunan (keracunan? help! antidote!! – no, I don’t need an antidote. just lemme suffer till death greets me, k?)

wa makin tambah penasaran

jangan ampe dah suatu hari wa mati sebelom rasa penasaran wa terpenuhi

ato ngga wa takut wa bakal jadi hantu gentayangan yang ngehantuin dia terus buat ngemuasin rasa penasaran wa (dark humor. love it?)

 

kayaknya wa lagi labil, ya?

emang

 

and wa juga penasaran, tentang alasan dia

kalo alasan kedua, wa bisa terima, alasan pertama lebih lagi

tapi apa cuma itu?

apa cuma dua itu doang?

wa kurang bisa percaya kalo ternyata cuma 2 itu doang

kalo pun cuma 2 itu doang

terus kenapa yang kedua bisa dihilangkan?

apakah karena dia tau wa sering labil

and takut alasan kedua bakal wa tiadakan?

don’t be afraid. I’m not what you’re thinking

maybe some are true, but trust me

though my mask has been shattered

I still wear it

to cover things you never thought

 

jadi, hari-hari ini wa lewati dengan rada boring and bt (bedanya?)

gara-gara wa kaga ketemu dia

liburan yang seharusnya colorful

jadi gloomy gara-gara itu and wa harus stuck di rumah ampe wa rumputan kayak gini (lumutan udah basi, sekarang next step-nya adalah rumputan! << gaje banget, sih, nih, orang!?)

 

sorry gaje

wa cuma lagi down a bit gara-gara wa stuck di rumah

and kaga bisa curhat ke sapa-sapa

kalo ke kakak, ntar jawabannya bakalan nyindir

kalo ke ade, wa takut dengan ini wa udah ngebikin beban hidupnya tambah berat

kalo ke ortu, tambah kaga ngerti lagi pasti

jadinya, wa share-nya via WP aja, deh

sapa aja boleh baca, boleh komen, boleh ikutan menderita ama wa (kalo yang baca simpatik/empatik enough)

kalo dia yang baca, gimana?

1. kemungkinannya kecil

2. kalo pun baca, wa harap dia bisa ngerti

 

kalo dia kaga bisa ngerti (yang lebih kecil lagi kemungkinannya), ya, apa daya

berarti wa bakalan nunggu Death

dari pada ngegantung ama Chaos

mendingan Death, kan?

cepet, ringkes, kaga belibet

apa lagi sekarang zamannya serba instant (hubungannya?)

 

ya, wa harap wa ama dia bisa bersama, bisa bersatu

wa tau ini kedengarannya mungkin ridiculous, ato – buat orang yang simpatik ke wa – super susah

tapi wa percaya, kalo Tuhan bisa ngebantu wa

wa percaya, kalo tekad yang kuat mengalahkan semua hambatan fisik

wa percaya, kalo cinta menanggung segalanya,

dan percaya segalanya

serta mengharapkan segalanya

dan menutupi segalanya

 

kalo dia baca sekarang, yang wa pengen katakan cuma 1 kalimat:

Love You Here

 

 

-A Teenager Who Love Her (or maybe You)-

Masterpiece of Pain

Everytime I see you

your smile

your embracing aura

your beauty

I just couldn’t think that you’re real

because you’re real and solid in my eyes

yet I knew that you’re unreal and gasseous

 

Everytime I met you

your charm

your invisible threads

your power

I just couldn’t bend down to my knees before you

because I was charmed

yet I knew that you didn’t have any charm at all

 

Everytime I talked to you

your words

your honesty

your modesty

I just couldn’t think that you’re the plainest human in the world

because your words had strangled me, deafened me

yet I knew that you are just the same as I

 

Everytime I thought of you

your mind

your sharpness

your wisdom

I just couldn’t think that you existed in the planet

because you’re just the perfect thing I’ve waited so long

yet I knew that you are very cunning and humane

 

So

just now

for once

I see your dark surface

it’s definitely not about skin tones nor tribes, you racists

it’s definitely about the sin of the mind

something someone could not comprehend

something so powerful that drove, yet bent, the body into its will

something out of my and your league

something you showed me

just now

for once

 

If you thought that I’m selfish

the let’s declare that we’re all humane!

we’re not all humans!

but because we’re all humane,

then we carried the nature of the humans,

the nature composed of many pride, wrath, greed, gluttony, lust, envy, and sloth;

the nature composed of little modesty, calmness, indifference, joy, contentfulness, and hard work;

the nature composed of things you could never imagine

nor I;

the nature that would rupture yourself inside out;

as it happened on me!

 

Because I love you

more and more every passing seconds

because there’s a quote stated:

“you only need one second to start loving, but forgetting starts forever“

and the quote happened on me

because it only needs one second to love

but to forget you, it’s like a request of death

I wonder why love is so complicated

why couldn’t it be just as wonderful and simple as Ikal and A Ling’s?

 

Why?

 

It’s just because I’m clapping with one hand

it’s just because one simple thing whom I would not nor could ever blame

it’s just because I gained no place in your heart

it’s just because both of us are the same

and the world loved duality

because there’s no single coin with the same imprintings on each side

because there’s no single finger with the same fingerprints on each surface

and for that I could and would only blame this world

this world of stupidity

this world of sickness

this world of plague

this world of flame

this world of evil

this world of woe

this world of me

and you

 

And when the fire sparked

even just for once

the mind narrowed

the emotion sharpened

the desire ripped

the whole soul screamed

the eye plucked out

the ear deafened

the lips dismembered

the nose shut

the skin mutilated

the whole body hurt

and the logic exiled

and the whole law of physics ruined

in this silent cry

 

I was hurt

somehow

and the fire sparked

I still wondered how

because I always know the answer of why

yet the answer of how is just a hypothesis

I wished I could find the real answer

because I already know the answer:

of who;

of where;

of when;

of what;

of which;

of whom;

and of why;

expect the answer

of how?

 

before your fire sparked

I wanted you to know things about me

I wanted you to know that:

 

I am weak;

I am selfish;

I am rude;

I am ugly;

I am stupid;

I am berserk;

I am silent;

I am wounded;

I am sick;

I am uncapable;

I am reckless;

I am destructible;

 

I am a jerk;

I am a bitch;

I am a pain in the ass;

I am a cultist;

I am a disgrace;

I am a flaw;

 

I am weakness;

I am pain;

I am fear;

I am deceit;

I am abomination;

I am death;

I am corruption;

I am apocalypse;

I am fire;

 

 

A fire in the water

just like phosphorus

is only served for the one who understand

and is used on many different purposes

but all of them redirects to me

to the apocalypse

to the end of all of this

to your death

to mine

to this world’s

 

All of this came out

just because of that

that for once,

the fire sparked

incinerated my lungs

filled my veins with flame

eaten my limbs

burned my body to ashes

in front of you

whom laid cluelessly

eyes closed

mouth silent

 

I’m still hurt here

and although I didn’t ask you to comfort me

nor to hurt me more

I apologized for every pain you’ve done to me

for every pain I reflected on you on the minor scale

 

 

 

 

-Male-

what should I do? what should I say?

what should I do?

what should I say?

haha I couldn’t even think of a word

 when I saw you

I’m already content

but thanks again to human greedy nature

I wanted to have you by my side

but if I couldn’t think of a word

then how could I do that, anyway?

I hope it was as easy as the usual talk

but with you yourself troubled

I, too, hesitated to move

afraid to confuse you

afraid to hurt myself

then again, you tried to erase the traces

although it still leaves traces

and the tracker can still found its way

 

well, what the heck am I talking about, anyway?

well, that’s the prove of my confusion

and that’s why I hated myself

because I could not find the right words to say

the right deeds to act

ow, man

 

now, I’m still waiting in the bushes

to find the right time to act

to snatch away the mask from your face

to reveal the darkness within

to bless them with light

to take them away from your heart

to tame them in mine

yet to hurt myself more

I laughed

 

I’m really confused with this

why should it happen this way?

why should it be you?

why should it hurts me more than any other experiences I’ve ever experience?

aarrrrggghhhhhh!!!!

 

 

I wish there is someone I could talk to

aside from God and this silent blog

someone who can see and accept the selfish me

I really wish I could find that one

but that’s just a faint wish

because it seems so ridiculous

…

 

 

~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$^&*()_+~!@#$&*()_+

(that’s not a censored sentence, that’s a way I propose the gratitude to the chaos inside of me)

 

 

 

 

UGH!!!!
I WAS DRIVEN MAD BY STAYING AT HOME DOING NOTHING!!!!
I WISH I WAS NEARBY
I WISH I WAS ABLE TO SEE
I WISH I WAS ABLE TO TALK
EVEN THE SIMPLEST THINGS
ARE THE GREATEST THINGS FOR ME
FOR THAT PROVED ME THAT I’M STILL WITH YOU
FOR THAT PROVED ME THAT I’M STILL ABLE TO SEE YOU
FOR THAT PROVED ME THAT  …..

THAT……………………………………

 

 

Wow

that’s really something dreadful to read, isn’t it?

well, that’s a fraction of the dark me

you just don’t know the real me

all of you just don’t know…

 

~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$%^&*()_+~!@#$%^&*()_+